Cracking the Cosmetic Code


Before you plunk down another $16.99 for a tube of lipstick, read on…

Having a hard time making up your mind as to which make-up to make yourself up with? I’ve found that no matter what brand you buy there are certain key words and phrases that all cosmetic companies use, hoping that you’ll never crack the codes of what they really mean. However, through my clandestine work as a secret cosmetics spy, I’ve been able to decode a few of them for you:


  • Long Lash: Simply put, this means you will look like you taped the appendages of several spiders to your eyelids
  • Waterproof: The only way this stuff is coming off is if your eyelashes are coming off with it
  • Water-Resistant: Don’t even watch a forecast that mentions rain or you’ll look like a raccoon
  • Non-clumping: Haha…as if


  • Long Lasting: This one’s highly accurate—your front teeth will be stained the entire day
  • High Shine: People will think you’re drooling
  • Matte Finish: Your lips will look like a “before picture” for a Chapstick commercial
  • Plumping Formula: People will ask you if you got stung by bees


  • Conceals Flaws: Rest assured, you will appear to have smeared Plaster of Paris all over your face
  • Shine Free: Your skin will resemble a desert
  • Age-Defying: After applying this concoction with the free complimentary putty knife that comes with it, no one will ever be able to see the skin on your face, let alone be able guess how old you are
  • Sheer: Your face will look exactly as it did before you applied it


  • Radiant Color: Clown cheeks
  • Cheekbone Contouring: Tribal War Paint
  • Shimmering Highlights: You’ll be a Christmas clown, wearing tribal war paint
  • Youthful Glow: Gives off the impression that you’ve had sunburned cheeks since you were sixteen

Eye Shadow

  • All-In-One Eye Shadow Kit: Nothing like having your eyelids appear as if you’ve used a paint-by-number set on them
  • Brow Bone Highlighter: People will think you drew on yourself with chalk
  • Eyelid Glitter: Great look, if you’re five-years old and in a ballet recital
  • Liquid Eye Shadow: Someone drooled on your eyelids, after they drank hot chocolate


  • Bold: Because who doesn’t want eyes that look like they could bore holes in a blanket
  • Smoky: For those times when you want people to think you’re a druggie
  • Liquid Eye Pen: So you can write notes to yourself on your eyes
  • Dramatic Effect: Gives you all the allure of an Exorcism candidate


  • Maximum Hold: Remember Ken—Barbie’s plastic-haired boyfriend?
  • Never Stiff or Sticky: Nope it never is, as long as you don’t use it
  • Mega Hold: Transforms your hair into an OSHA approved hard hat
  • Light Hold: You just wasted four bucks

I’m certain there are several other codes I haven’t cracked yet, but I’ve figured something else out in the process; if politicians ever lose their day jobs, they could run cosmetic companies. They’re already very well versed in lying about cover-ups. 😉


“You Look Fine, Let’s Just Go!”


Some women have husbands who shower them with compliments and swoon with sweet adoration when their lovely wives walk into the room. Some women have spouses who tell them their beauty is unsurpassed. The best I can ever get out of my husband is “You look fine.” and that’s when he hasn’t even bothered to look up from his iPhone.

If we’re going out and he’s decided I’m taking too long, or I tell him I’ve got to change my clothes or brush my hair, I get the good ole standby of “You look fine, let’s just GO!” If I rolled in a hog pen, electrified my hair, and had a festering poison ivy rash all over my face I’m sure I’d receive the same input.

Not that I’m complaining, but it would be nice–once in a great while–to hear him randomly gush that I have such an adorable, angelic appearance that he just can’t see straight. Okay, maybe that would be pushing it.

Basically the only other rare compliment I get from him is the kiss of death, otherwise known as, “You look good today!” spoken with stark emphasis on the word “today,” as if it’s an extraordinary event. His face wears an expression of great astonishment when he says it and he delivers it in the same manner in which someone might proclaim, “I saw a flying saucer today!”

If I call him on the subject, he snickers and finds it all quite amusing. It’s be great if he said “You look beautiful” and not just in a Christmas-is-coming-and-I-want-something-really-good-so-I’m-going-to-butter-you-up kind of a way, but in an all out proclamation. A proclamation said with so much adoration that hearts were dancing in his eyes. But of course, if that ever happened I’d firmly believe an alien had emerged from the above aforementioned spaceship and took my husband’s place–which actually might not be such a bad thing. 😉