Advice to All Romance Novel Writers Everywhere…

For the love of lice, please—I beg you—stop having the hero run his fingers through his hair every time he ponders the perils of a new plot twist. Make him bald if you have to, or delete his fingers entirely early on in a freak sword juggling incident. Just please, Make. Him. Stop. Thank you. Lol


Rebound Reading Relationships

There are those times when you fall madly in love with a book and then, just like that, it’s over. You’re left wondering how you’ll go on.

Your heart longs for the time the two of you spent together. It was beautiful. You felt complete. You ache to find another book that did everything for you this last book did.

So you go to an online book dating site, like Amazon, desperate to find a replacement.

You hastily latch on to the first one that even remotely appeals to you, hoping beyond all hope it’ll be a suitable replacement.

Yet, those rebound reading relationships can leave you unfulfilled and disappointed. You may even find yourself weeping bitterly—especially when that new book pales in comparison, leaving you longing once again for your ex-book.

Just remember, you don’t need to instantly jump in between the pages of another book. Take time for yourself to realize you don’t need a book in your life to make you feel whole.

But then again, maybe you do… 😉

Cheap Holiday Cheer is Here!!! 76% Off the Retail Price of Christmas Madness, Mayhem, and Mall Santas—very limited time only!!!

For a very limited time only you can pick up a paperback copy of my book Christmas Madness, Mayhem, and Mall Santas for only $2.43 at Amazon. That’s 76% off the regular retail price of $9.99!!!

Christmas Madness, Mayhem, and Mall Santas: Humorous Insights into the Holiday Season

Get Ready to Kick all of That Pesky Holiday Stress to the Curb…


Before you get into a frazzled frenzy with all of your Christmas shopping, decorating, entertaining, baking, and who the heck knows what else, do yourself a favor and pick up a copy of my book Christmas Madness, Mayhem, & Mall Santas; Humorous Insights into the Holiday Season–available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and on Kindle–to give yourself some perspective before you go off the deep end. 😉



The Procrastinator’s Countdown to Christmas



Think you’ve got all the time in the world to get your Christmas crap done?!? Think again…

First Weekend in November: You smirk at all the Christmas lunatics who have: (a) already started their shopping, and (b) started putting up their Christmas decorations. Don’t these seasonal sickos have lives? Sit back and relax – you know you’ve got plenty of time.
Second Weekend in November: Briefly you toy with the idea of getting started with your shopping—but why rush things—so you decide to stay home and watch TV, but every other channel has on a Christmas movie. Tossing your remote in disgust, you glance out the window and notice your neighbors are erecting what can only be described as a Christmas mini-golf course in their front yard. “Festive fools,” you mutter under your breath.
Third Weekend in November: You have every intention to start shopping, but unexpected guests drop by who stay the whole weekend. In great, giddy detail they gush about not only being done with their shopping, but that their halls are decked as well. You consider decking them, but force a gracious smile instead.
Fourth Weekend in November: Everyone in the house has come down with the flu.
First Weekend in December: You finally start Christmas shopping on Saturday, and plan to spend Sunday decorating. However, you spend the entire weekend looking for that toy your child’s been begging for, only to realize it’s no longer available anywhere. You’ve got zero shopping done, and accomplish zilch in the decorating department. Slight panic begins to set in.
Second Weekend in December: The biggest blizzard known to man or arctic beast blows into town. You decide it’s no big deal; you’ll just shop online for that elusive toy, and try to get in as much other shopping as possible while you’re at it. Yet as soon as you sit down at the computer the storm cuts the electricity. You move on to decorating, but it’s a bit difficult without any light to see what you’re doing.
Third Weekend in December: On Saturday your child has a Christmas play, a Christmas pageant, and a Christmas party to attend. On Sunday you get to go visit your in-laws.

Fourth Weekend in December: You have sixty-eight million things to do and only two days to do them in. You head to the mall to find everything pawed through, ripped open, and stampeded upon. You buy the least offensive stuff you can find, rush home, wrap it, and throw it under the tree. You notice the tree looks like someone put it up in the dark—oh wait, they did—but there’s no time to fix it now as you’re having a dinner party in three hours and haven’t even been to the store yet.

Later during the party, you confess to one of your guests that you haven’t found that toy your child wanted. She smugly looks down her seasonally satisfied nose at you and divulges that she bought it for her child back in early November, when it was available everywhere. You smile your best fake smile and make a mental note to never speak to her again. Just then the lights on the tree blow out. You explain to everyone that it’s because they were last year’s lights, as you didn’t have time to buy new ones this year. Under her breath, you hear that same rotten woman mutter “Unfestive fool…”
The Moral of the Story: If you’re going to be a fool at Christmastime, it’s far better to be a festive one than the alternative.

Payback Bites

Halloween Fun: When wedded bliss turns into a wedded abyss…


“Oh, tell me this isn’t happening…” Leonard said wearily, as his car came to a sputtering stop.
Rolling her eyes, his wife Eva let out an exasperated sigh, “Well, well, well…what can I say, Leonard? Maybe if you’d stopped for gas in that last town—like I suggested—then this wouldn’t be happening, would it?”
Leonard shot Eva a sideways glance that spoke volumes. “Yes dear, as usual, if only I had listened to you…”
“Don’t you get that tone with me, if you just would’ve….” An enormous crash of thunder cut her off as a large tree branch came careening down, barely missing their car.
“Leonard DO something!” She wailed.
“Do what exactly, Eva? You seem to be on top of things, so you tell me!” He glared at her and she glared back. The electrical charge of hatred in the car momentarily superseded the raging storm outside of it.
Eva gave him her infamous condescending sneer, “If you were any kind of a real man, you’d go for help. You can’t just expect me to sit here all night like this, the next branch that comes down could fall right on top of me and kill me!”
Leonard considered this for a brief moment. He knew exactly how he wanted to respond to this but bit his lip instead.
“Well? Aren’t you going to go get help, or gas, or something? What’s wrong with you anyway? Honestly Leonard!”
Leonard took a long, deep look into the cold, dead eyes of the vulture-like female he’d had the distinct displeasure of being married to for nearly thirty years, and wondered how much a man is supposed to put up with before he snapped.
“You know there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you, Eva dear,” he retorted.
“Don’t be sarcastic! And don’t take too long, and for heaven’s sake don’t be stupid and get hit by lightning because I don’t want to sit here all night! Are you listening to me Leonard? And if you find a place that sells gas, make sure you bring me back a nice cup of coffee. And don’t waste time, there’s nothing I hate more than cold coffee. Don’t just sit there staring at me with that dumb expression on your face, GET GOING!”
“Yes dear, of course dear…” Leonard muttered, knowing full well any other response wouldn’t do—especially the response he really wanted to give. He climbed out of the car and set off on his journey into the unknown depths of the stormy night, finding it far more pleasant to be out in the elements than sitting in the car next to Hurricane Eva.
Leonard was certain they’d passed a gas station a mile or so back. He remembered it from the sign he’d seen in the window advertising Eva’s favorite coffee. He recalled thinking that he’d rather stall out somewhere than cater to her demands for “Carribean Cappachino.” Already drenched by the heavy downpour, Leonard cursed under his breath as he quickly scurried up the road. He decided then and there that if he ended up at that gas station, under no circumstances was he getting his unbeloved a cup of her beloved coffee. This decision pleased him greatly and made the raging storm engulfing him far less bothersome.
Relieved, he arrived at the gas station much quicker than he’d anticipated. Must’ve miscalculated how far back it was, he thought to himself. Eva always took great delight in pointing out his miscalculations—he made a mental note not to mention this one to her.
The lights were out in the building, which seemed odd since it was only a little after 8 p.m. Maybe the storm knocked out the electricity, he thought. As he approached the door, he noticed it was ajar and saw movement inside. As lightning flashed through the night sky, for an instant Leonard could make out a figure.
He called out, “Hey, I need some gas!” There was no reply.
When the lightning flashed again the figure was visible once more. The man had deathly grey skin, incredibly wrong teeth—which looked like implants from a saber-toothed tiger, and what appeared to be a long, dark cloak. The man had the appearance of someone who’d just crawled out of a crypt. Leonard’s heart skipped a beat. Then he took a deep sigh of relief and laughed at himself for letting his imagination–and the atmosphere of the storm–get the better of him.
Of course, he thought, it’s Halloween night…he’s in costume! He smiled, opened the door the rest of the way, and walked in. Through yet another flash of lightning Leonard saw the man approaching him.
“Hey, great costume! Man, you really had me goin’ there,” Leonard chuckled, “I thought for a moment you were…”
Meanwhile back at the car, Eva cursed out loud. He was taking far too much time. “Stupid, insidious man,” she snarled, “I told him not to leave me sitting here so long. That idiot. He’s most certainly gonna hear about it from me when he gets back!”
Nearly an hour later the storm had cleared, but a heavy fog now enshrouded the car. Visibility was nearly impossible through the windshield, however, Eva thought she could just faintly make out Leonard’s form making his way up the roadside.
“Finally,” she sighed.
He seemed to be taking forever to get to the car, which angered her as she was looking forward to telling him off about being gone so long. She sighed once more, then took the opportunity to pull down the overhead mirror and apply lipstick and powder her nose. She heard the driver’s side door open, but kept primping.
“Honestly Leonard, what took you so long?” she said. “What did you do–stop for a drink somewhere along the way? I bet you did, didn’t you? Probably flirted with some stupid, tacky woman while you were at it. I swear, you are pathetic, Leonard. No woman alive would even want the gift of you. What I ever saw in you, I have no idea. I could’ve married anyone–but no–I had to go and waste my life on some incompetent…”
She looked toward the open door and stopped mid-sentence, eyes wide with fear. Staring back at her with steel cold eyes and ashen skin was her husband—only something seemed very, very wrong with him.
“L-L-Leonard?” she stammered. “Are y-y-you alright?” He remained silent as he slowly eased his way into the car, not taking his piercing gaze off of Eva for even an instance. He did not stop at the driver’s seat, however. He slowly and stealthily slid over to where his dear, sweet ball-and-chain of nearly thirty years was sitting. He kept coming, his menacing eyes never moving from hers.
Eva’s fear turned to utter terror. This was Leonard, but it wasn’t. “Leonard! W-w-what are you doing?” she shrieked as he put his hand on her shoulder, it was like ice. Immediately she grabbed the door handle, pulling at it, but his deathly cold hand grabbed her other arm tightly.
Horrified, Eva screamed and writhed but it was useless. She looked up one final time to see her husband’s mouth opening wide into a sardonic smile, elongated fangs protruding outward. Sheer panic engulfed her, she couldn’t get away. She then heard the last words she would ever hear:
“Payback bites, Eva.”