Cracking the Cosmetic Code


Before you plunk down another $16.99 for a tube of lipstick, read on…

Having a hard time making up your mind as to which make-up to make yourself up with? I’ve found that no matter what brand you buy there are certain key words and phrases that all cosmetic companies use, hoping that you’ll never crack the codes of what they really mean. However, through my clandestine work as a secret cosmetics spy, I’ve been able to decode a few of them for you:


  • Long Lash: Simply put, this means you will look like you taped the appendages of several spiders to your eyelids
  • Waterproof: The only way this stuff is coming off is if your eyelashes are coming off with it
  • Water-Resistant: Don’t even watch a forecast that mentions rain or you’ll look like a raccoon
  • Non-clumping: Haha…as if


  • Long Lasting: This one’s highly accurate—your front teeth will be stained the entire day
  • High Shine: People will think you’re drooling
  • Matte Finish: Your lips will look like a “before picture” for a Chapstick commercial
  • Plumping Formula: People will ask you if you got stung by bees


  • Conceals Flaws: Rest assured, you will appear to have smeared Plaster of Paris all over your face
  • Shine Free: Your skin will resemble a desert
  • Age-Defying: After applying this concoction with the free complimentary putty knife that comes with it, no one will ever be able to see the skin on your face, let alone be able guess how old you are
  • Sheer: Your face will look exactly as it did before you applied it


  • Radiant Color: Clown cheeks
  • Cheekbone Contouring: Tribal War Paint
  • Shimmering Highlights: You’ll be a Christmas clown, wearing tribal war paint
  • Youthful Glow: Gives off the impression that you’ve had sunburned cheeks since you were sixteen

Eye Shadow

  • All-In-One Eye Shadow Kit: Nothing like having your eyelids appear as if you’ve used a paint-by-number set on them
  • Brow Bone Highlighter: People will think you drew on yourself with chalk
  • Eyelid Glitter: Great look, if you’re five-years old and in a ballet recital
  • Liquid Eye Shadow: Someone drooled on your eyelids, after they drank hot chocolate


  • Bold: Because who doesn’t want eyes that look like they could bore holes in a blanket
  • Smoky: For those times when you want people to think you’re a druggie
  • Liquid Eye Pen: So you can write notes to yourself on your eyes
  • Dramatic Effect: Gives you all the allure of an Exorcism candidate


  • Maximum Hold: Remember Ken—Barbie’s plastic-haired boyfriend?
  • Never Stiff or Sticky: Nope it never is, as long as you don’t use it
  • Mega Hold: Transforms your hair into an OSHA approved hard hat
  • Light Hold: You just wasted four bucks

I’m certain there are several other codes I haven’t cracked yet, but I’ve figured something else out in the process; if politicians ever lose their day jobs, they could run cosmetic companies. They’re already very well versed in lying about cover-ups. 😉


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